Anonymous asked: I wasn't around Matt a lot today but everything I noticed that what he said to some people was just very rude and condescending, and attempting to make a joke at the expense of another person. I think the entire thing was just completely mean and not really being a FRIEND of a friendleader. Idk if he's a nice guy to his friends but as a Vanstuck friendleader he should try to make an effort to actually be nice (and you know, friendly) to EVERYONE.
EDIT: I’m sorry this is so long. :I
I don’t know what the context of this statement is, other than that it was for FanExpo on Sunday, so this will be sort of a general statement, rather than a specific counter or apology.
I’ve put myself into an awkward position where I am well known for never holding anything back and being completely forthright with everything I say, while simultaneously having been, for most of my life, the one who is always sarcastic. This is compounded by the fact that my circle of friends was a group of people for which insults were exchanged quite affectionately with not the slightest tone of sincerity, and those that did ring true were often at matters of pride, so we could afford to take those hits.
Vancouverstuck, as I am gradually learning, is not made up of these same kinds of people. Our members are, as I should know by now, are people who have either been forced to wear masks their entire lives, or don’t feel like they belong at all. They, we, are a group primarily of outsides and posers. And Vancouverstuck is a group, space that should be safe to take those masks off, and be a place where people can be themselves without fear of judgment for that fact.
Typically, I make jokes about people I earnestly believe can “take it”. I take pot-shots at people with exceptionally high self esteem, not to knock them down a peg, but because I know it will bounce right off of them. I say things I know are not true, perceiving them as so obviously not true, that saying them is not a “lie” because everyone knows what I am saying is not even remotely correct, and that I am saying so knowing that. I believe you are in on the joke.
You are not in on the joke. This is my mistake. I’ve been taking shots at people who can’t take the hits, and are really hoping someone will help them up. Their masks say they can take those hits, and I just couldn’t see the difference. I’m slowly starting to become more aware of this. It’s been hard, so for those of you who’ve had the patience to deal with me on those occasions, I thank you truly.
And to those I’ve harmed, I can only apologize in earnest. It was absolutely not my intention to be condescending or to put you down. I truly, really believed that I couldn’t put you down. I did not recognize vulnerability when it was presented, and that was entirely my mistake. I’ve been hitting real wounds with fake punches, thinking everyone else was pretending like I would. They weren’t. You weren’t.
So you can say that I’m a butt and a jerk, or that I have a goofy grin or a funny wave or that I always look angry. Because I can totally take that with a smile. Some of it’s true and I’m okay with that, and some of it isn’t true and I know that. But you can also say that I’m condescending, mean or that I go too far. And you can say these things because you’re right, clearly I have been and that is entirely my mistake. My intention was to be your friend and amuse you. I have not done so. And as a friendleader I am absolutely to be held to an even higher standard than a regular member. You are completely and will within your rights to ask and expect for better from me. You will get better from me.
I’ve been told, and I’d like to think that I’ve been improving in these efforts, but that doesn’t mean I will stop. I will continue to strive to be better because you deserve better from me, and I do this for you. I’m here because I had people when I was young and vulnerable and didn’t get it to help me out. I want the same thing for you. Because you, just as I, both need and deserve a space where that can happen.
So that’s what’s going to happen. I can’t promise I’ll get better overnight. I can’t promise to be friends or likeable to all of you. Some of you have already made up your minds and that’s cool. Some of you will always disagree with me and my temperament and that’s cool too. But to anyone else who’s still on the fence, who feels wronged but wasn’t jaded, who’s heard bad things but hasn’t decided yet, or would just like to get to know me better because you think we might be friends, I’ll try my darndest. Because I mean every word I write here.
I’m just not clever enough to make all this up.
-Matthew.
(PS if this happened really early this morning, I was horribly ill and was more than likely quite snippy. So if that’s the case you just caught me at a bad time and I’m sorry for that.)
(PPS If this was about you guys blocking the hallway or being too loud, my apology still stands in general but seriously don’t block the hallways and don’t be so gosh-darned loud.)
